The Weight of Academic Pressure

Once upon a time, when I was a little girl
I would look in the mirror and think about
Princesses, Ponies, Pink
Innocent smiles, innocent mistakes
And all was there was all that was good

Then one day, I was sitting at the table crowded with kindergarteners
I was told that “all Asians are smart”
Therefore, it was expected of me, rooted in my identity

From that moment on, I grew older
Time spent playing outside, turned to hours spent sitting at the kitchen table
Legs cramping, the hum of the night air echoing in my ears until well past bedtime

Teachers now see an exceptional test score
What is not known is the pain dancing underneath the skin of my fingertips
The fog that covers my sleepy brain like a weighted blanket
The ache of my heart, knowing that I am to do it all over again
Today, Tomorrow, And the day after

My friends ask me how I did on the exam
“Of course she got only one thing wrong”
“Why did I even ask, she’s Asian”
“She’s just smart like that”
What is not known are the thoughts of disappointment dancing through my mind
The time I know would be spent gripping tear soaked pillows
Wishing I was known as anything but smart

Because if all I am is smart,
then the numbers that load on my grade book define my worth.
Because if all I am is smart,
then how am I to be remembered for anything else?
Because if all I am is smart,
then one small mistake will take all it is that I am.