Too Much

Written: 19 March 2017

*To Love Destructively*

"You're too much."
Too much?...
Too much attention
Too much clingyness

Desperation oozes off my flesh
Like rotting scabs of "love me!"
"Love me!"
Between the lines "Run from me."

"Please... just need me."
It drips on white carpets
Staining it in dull yellow
Mixed with greens.

And so I cut myself deeper
Just so that he may have his "space"
Space from being needed
Space from owning up to responsibility.

But excuses never tasted so sweet
On delicate lips of denial
And hazel eyes of cold blue
"I don't need you." Is what they say,

When I first said hello
I never knew how fragile he'd make me
I was broken glass poorly glued,
and he was the substance that dissolved me.

Allowed me to shatter at his feet,
"Dont leave me!"
My muscles contract so used to the gesture
With nights in a row of body wrenching tears.

And still he can look upon me cold
and say "You're too much."
As if I never knew it,
As if I had not warned him.

"I am broken."
"I am needy."
"I am not perfect."
"Please understand that before you walk in."

"I can handle it"
A too familar broken promise
Silenced quickly in time by,
"I didn't know it was this bad."

And now I sit here,
In the dark waiting for him to reach out,
Pull me back into Arms of forgiveness,
Tell me he is sorry and never wants to lose me,

Childish wishes of a needy soul
Wishing crimson stained sheets were not in vain,
and yet cursing myself for being so stupid,
When I knew all too well...

I am the loyal girl who speaks strongly of her ways,
The one who laughs at everything,
But I am also a cataclysm
That falls apart and shakes your world.

You cannot have my rainbows,
If you can't embrace my storms,
Without your shields of common sense,
Without your umbrellas of "I did not know."

And yet he selfishly ran his fingers in this pot of gold,
Dreaming of future wealth,
With the potential of a honest heart,
Only to run away from possibility.

And yet I still sit here in the dark,
Tears no longer Staining already painted paths,
Waiting in desperation as I give my space,
To see if he will look for me in the dark.