Not Enough

Not enough

I don’t just miss you..
I’ve missed you since the sound of your heart beat like a drum in my pool of life.
I’ve missed you since the tie to your womb was broken.
I’ve missed you every inch of my growing because every milestone in my life was less time in yours.
I’ve missed you in all of the moments a daughter challenged a mother, in the separation from your her nest.
Ive missed cuddles and coddles before you were gone.
I’ve missed what I didn’t know we had all along.
I put my stake in the ground and stood strong the storm that is you, thinking that to make you proud… there was nothing that I could do.
And all the years blew from the trees, every leaf was wasted time challenging what was already mine.
You told me in the end that I was seen, you knew all along that this day would come and that I would bleed… without you.
But it did not change the you that I knew… until I lost you.
Now every memory was a train that I couldn’t catch.
Memories we never made, I sketch,
Into the veil of the afterness,
Hoping you see them too,
So I can continue,
The life I never got with you.
And still I try to grow light from my womb, still I try to shine through,
All of the cloudy and rainy days when butterflies do not fly, to remind me of you.
I hold my hand now, to hold yours,now I am you. I focus on the age lines and count the days I’ve left behind, today I’m exactly 400 days closer to you.
This is me now and I will be a new me tomorrow,
But the me I was with you I cannot salvage I cannot  borrow,
And time was not enough.