Depression

I have this darkness in my mind.
It creeps up on me all the time.
Makes me sad; Makes me depressed.
Can I go one day without any stress?
I'm tired of these meaningless interactions.
I'm sick of all these fake attractions.  
I just want to feel something real.
None of this has been ideal.
I dream of escape but that's no good.
Just because you can go, doesn't
mean that you should.
I wish I could go back to being a child.
Never knowing heartache, or the struggle
or anything else that's vile.
I try my best not to feel these things.
It comes on strong, it hurts, it stings.
I ask myself, why I even care?
Let go of it all, do I even dare?
There are things out there that make me happy.
But I can't have them, even if I want them badly.
I spend my days wasting away within.
A slave to my phone, constantly logging in.
It doesn't help we are all selfish & liars.
We'll burn this world to ground, we're all on fire.
No one knows what love is anymore.
Fucking for the sake of fucking,
a generation of whores.
Back to the blackest parts of my mind.
The parts that keep me up & never let me unwind.
The slightest dismissals will ruin my self esteem.
So I try to be oblivious, living in a made up dream.
Anxieties are up at an all time high.
Then I start to freak out because
of all the time that slips by.
I tell myself, it's a new day of opportunity.
Something always ruins it, inexcusably.
I could just be being dramatic.
But I'm fed up; I've fucking had it.
I know I am not normal, I'm crazy & weird.
My mom would always say, I live without fear.
But that's not true, I'm terrified to the bone.
I'm afraid of dying, rejection & being alone.
This might seem really bleak but don't you worry.
This is just how it is on my personal journey.
Don't get me wrong, I have a beautiful son,
a ton of friends & nice family.
My life isn't horrible, but this is not my fantasy.
I just hope one day this sickness ends.
But when you live with depression, it all just depends.